Feeling Happy

Standing in front of the church hall, not knowing when I can receive Jesus ever...

I had not been updating the blog.  My computer is not working properly.  Now I'm trying to use the handphone to do so.  

Today I feel so happy because I took the opportunity to ask father (Gerard) about receiving holy communion.  As soon as I am prepared to go for confession, I can receive Jesus again.  

 

Evacuation of Uterus

 

Consent for Operation

The gynae asked me to sign the paper after I told him that I want to abort my baby.  At that time, the foetus was just 6 weeks old.  I signed the paper and was asked to pass the paper to the nurse.  It was mention that the nature and effect of the surgery was explained to me.  In actual fact, nothing was explained to me.  No explanation from the gynae.  No explanation from the nurse.  So I asked the nurse, what is the effects of the surgery, she did not tell me.  

In my mind was to  just abort the baby.  So I did not ask more already.  

I killed my baby on 8 October 2002

I don't know what effects the abortion will have on my body.  I don't know how it will affect me spiritually too.  I just knew that my sister had abortion before and she was fine.  So I should be fine too.  I thought that abortion is okay.  It did not occur to me that I was killing my baby at that time.  

I learned from my sister that in SGH, if you want to abort the baby, they will try to stop you from doing it.  They let you watch a video on how life is formed.  Over here at the clinic, nothing was done to stop me at all.  I think it was all fated anyway.  

After the abortion, the doctor helped me to insert IUD into my womb.  It is a birth control method recommended by the doctor.  For a few years, it was inside my uterus until 18 November 2004 whereby my IUD was removed.  The gynae said my body was rejecting the IUD.  So after that I had no birth control methods.  

In the year 2006, we slowly went back to the church, because my children started primary schools and I wanted them to start catechism class.  Going to church, I had totally forgotten that I had committed mortal sins and could not receive Holy Communion.  I received Jesus still... and in the end, I was felt broken.  Slowly I was on my way to conversion in the year 2007, and in the year 2008, I encountered God who told me about the existence of purgatory.   I went to church for confession and had my sins absolved and back home, I had the most wonderful bath of all -- I was reborn again in water and spirit...

I was pregnant again in 2008

After God and Jesus came, how can I repeat my same mistake?  I kept my baby at all cost in the year 2008, giving birth to a healthy baby in the year 2009.  

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Holy Communion

 

Family photograph taken before the year 1988

Every time when I mention about Holy Communion, I would remember my paternal grandmother.  She is sitting with my grandfather in the photograph above.  What is Holy Communion?

Photograph of me receiving Jesus the first time, My First Holy Communion

Even though I was taught about this Holy Communion in Catechism:

On the night He was betrayed, Jesus took bread and gave it to His disciples, and said, "Take this, all of you, and eat it: This is My Body which will be given up for you."

When supper was ended, He took the cup.  Again He gave thanks and praise, gave the cup to His disciples, and said, "Take this, all of you, and drink from it: this is the cup of My Blood, the Blood of the new and everlasting covenant.  It will be shed for you and for all so that sins may be forgiven.  Do this in memory of Me."

I was not aware that I was receiving Jesus at that time.  It was just bread I received in my mouth then.  It got soften with saliva and I just swallowed it.  After that, I went to the pew to pray.  So every time we go church, this is the main thing that we do, the reason why we go church.  

Our Lord changed bread and wine into His Body and Blood and offered Himself to God.  This was a sacrifice.  This was His Body to be offered on the Cross.  This was His Blood to be shed for the forgiveness of sins.  He told the Apostles that He would die on the next day.  That would be the bloody sacrifice on the Cross.  

But Jesus wanted this unbloody sacrifice to continue on earth till the end of time.  When He told the Apostles to do as He had done, He made them priests and gave them power to offer this sacrifice.  

So when I was young, I often saw my grandmother asking the priest to give her Holy Communion, whether it was mass time or outside mass timing.  She always liked to come to our house, wearing slippers and she would always washed her feet in our toilet.  The next thing that she like would be washing her hands too.  

I was told that my grandmother passed away peacefully 'in her sleep' in the year 1988.  Look at the family photograph above.  The years have passed.  Four people were not here anymore.  They were my grandparents, my father and my third maternal uncle. And I was 'dead' and was 'raised' again...

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Follow Me

 It's 13 years since Jesus came to me, and he said "Follow Me". 

I was dead and was then given a new life till now.  What does it means to follow him?  

I was lost but found by Christ.  I wanted to acknowledge that I am a Catholic, a christian and a follower of Christ.  

In the past, an interviewer asked me, "Are you a Christian?"  I told him, "No, I am not a Christian." 

I even shifted all the Catholic statues out of the house, put them in the corridor cupboard and then brought them to my mother's house.  I stopped praying to Jesus.  I stopped going to church also.  

But because of something which I had done many years back, I was saved.

What did I do?  I thought that since my sister can do it, I will do it too.  Can you guess what I did?

It's not a glamourous thing to do.  It is my own flesh and blood.  I killed it.  But I did not know that I actually killed it.  I was blinded.  Doing things without knowing it.  I was dead.  Even at the clinic, I told them I wanted abortion, they did not stop me.  They just let me sign papers.  They were supposed to tell me the consequences of abortion, which until now I don't know.  I asked the nurse, but she never told me the answers -- what effect does it have?  She just told me some 'unrelated stuff' about her husband.  "You know lah, man ....." things like that.  And at that time, I happened to know the nurse.  It was someone I knew at the workplace.  She had changed her workplace.  

So I never know that I had sinned, greatly sinned.  

What's more, after that then I realized that my father had taught me that, "If you have a mortal sin, you cannot receive holy communion."  Oh, how greatly I had sinned.  Not only do I have mortal sins but also venial sins.  

Before my husband came back, we committed adulteries too.  He had new girlfriend and I had my boyfriend.  So wretched, so badly sinned.  

Then I wanted my children to raise up as good Catholics.  I started to go church.  Little did I know that I had done the wrong things.  I never went for confession (reconciliation) and I just went forward to receive Holy Communion.  It really never come to my mind what my father had taught me.  

So the miraculous things happened on 8 March 2008.  I had a dream of Jesus, telling me about 'Singapore'.  I woke up and I heard him saying, "Follow Me".  I was so broken.  I cried for all my sins.  Next, I walked to the window and I saw the 'map of Singapore' in the clouds.  And Jesus was saying I am the bread of life.  Back then I have no idea at all Jesus was the bread of life!  I learned from my dreams!  During my bath, I was 'cleansed' and washed again with new spirit...  Jesus helped me to wash away all the evil spirits.  

Now, Jesus said, "Take up your cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34 and Luke 9:23)  

If I want to follow him I have to take up my cross.  I am still learning now how to take up my cross.  

Photographs showing the map of Singapore.  Picture taken from my window.

  A closer view of the map of Singapore.  

 

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